Ladies Choice
As I was trying to purge a closet today I ran across a gift I have kept sealed away for about 14 years. I had stowed it in a tin and I smiled as I saw what lay at the bottom. A series of memories arose aided by the aroma. Years ago, just out of college, I was the house manager at a home for individuals with persistent mental health challenges. Translated, I shared a house with 3 individuals with severe mental illness for over 4 years. I managed the home and loved many aspects of this job and living situation. Thinking about my housemates, the “clients”, makes me smile. The one man that lived in the home for at least a year I’ll call Anthony. He’s an intelligent man who began to experience psychosis while studying engineering in college. A ranked chess player and continuous student he was always looking for ways to stop the voices he experienced. When he learned a new medication received final approval to treat schizophrenia he stopped his medications in order to decline enough to be hospitalized and start the new medication. He would listen intently to his headphones to study new languages. His hope was that if he learned a new language he would no longer be able to hear the voices which he heard in English. He attempted to learn Spanish, French and numerous others including Esperanto. There were attempts at playing three dimensional chess which I believe he thought would give him a new perspective and unlock answers to him. We also had an adventure with spearmint schnapps which contrary to Anthony’s opinion at that time does not stop voices originating from schizophrenia.
From Anthony I learned one of the most crucial scrabble words to play when you get stuck with a Q. From Anthony I learned that a man should walk closest to the road to protect the woman they are walking with, as he would do so with me. From Anthony I learned how a soft boiled egg is cooked. From Anthony’s I received Ladies Choice. Anthony typically would not smoke cigarettes but for a period of time he felt that smoking pipes would help alleviate his schizophrenia. It was important to him that he smoke the correct mix of tobacco in a corn cob pipe. Anthony was also looking out for me. He came home one day with a gift, my very own corn cob pipe and Ladies Choice tobacco. Though my attempt was to purge I remember that day clearly as he was insistent I keep the gift, insisting it was “important.” Anthony worked in a local restaurant which was challenging for him as he regularly talked out loud, having conversations with the voices he experienced. Though he was working to find a way to stop the voices I never knew him to give up or be stuck in a depression because of them.
Anthony is someone I wish you could all meet. He’s a man who actively tries to live his life despite having diagnosis of schizophrenia. He made me laugh, looked out for me in a brotherly way, and I was glad that we were housemates. For two reasons I wish you could all meet Anthony. First because of who he is as an individual, he’s worth meeting. Secondly, because despite having diagnosis which comes with a host of images and opinions, he is not his diagnosis. He’s not scary or violent rather he’s intelligent, hard-working, and compassionate. He was my housemate who gave me an “important” gift that will always make me smile.
Life Together
I am a member of a “life community.” They are the avenue at my “big” church to make church “small” and personal. The group I am part has become an important part of my life and I am thankful for the care they have given me, especially in the past 6 months. I have experienced a job change and the aging and passing of dear friend in addition to all the normal rhythms of life. They have asked good questions and lifted me up in prayer. In addition to my “life community” other friends have followed up with me on how the job change has been going, not a week or two into it, rather months in. Another friend continued to ask me how I was preparing for the loss of my dear friend. There have been friends, co-workers and acquaintances who have lent listening ears and words of encouragement. I should note here I haven’t been in a funk or depression however this season in my life has been full. It has been full to the extent though no one could take my place, nor would I have wanted them to, I have desperately needed the support they have given me. So I share what has been helpful in no particular order and some examples of how they manifested themselves.
- Spoken words of encouragement, congratulations, condolences, understanding, and comfort.
- Written words of congratulations and encouragement. A team member of my softball team sent me a card of congrats for my new job but also a follow up card about 2 months into it. She remembered how hard a job change can be, even when it’s a good change. A friend also shared a short story her daughter wrote about dying which helped my grief process and allowed tears to flow freely.
- Direct questions. In my case my friend asked me what I was doing to prepare and asked me specifically if I had written the letter I had planned to write to my dying friend. She kept me accountable
- Sharing personal stories. I heard stories of how long it took to adjust to a new job, how tired they were, and how the last days and weeks were for loved ones who passed away.
- Prayer – I have been lifted up and remembered in prayer. Many of those that have prayed and have shared this with me and I have been humbled to be remembered, thankful, and reminded how much I have needed their prayers.
- Understanding – I was asked to spend some time with a group of young women I have known for 6 years now. They understood when I said no and gave understanding and no guilt.
- Humor – I have been laughed at¸ I have laughed with, and I have laughed at a variety of situations and people even moments when life and death in this world were precarious.
- Food – Many people have fed me and we have shared good conversation over meals, snacks, tea, coffee, and raclette.
- Physical Touch – I have received goodbye hugs, welcome handshakes, high fives, kisses of friendship, hands held in prayer and given in the gift of presence, embraces of comfort and fist bumps from students and children’s friends. All convey a message somehow that I’m OK
- New Friendships – Through these months I have begun new friendships based on my new position, mutual friends and experiences
- Invitations – Invitations to events, homes, and outings far and wide. The invitations to travel and visit are particularly meaningful. Opening up one’s home is always meaningful as I love sharing life. I also love when invitation to my home are accepted.
- Time – All really do come down to this in some way. I am thankful that individuals have shared their time with me during this season in such a beautiful tapestry of ways.
Raclette and Community
Yesterday I ate Raclette for the first time. If you, like me, had lived a life without knowing about this eating experience let me briefly enlighten you. It is a Swiss dish with potatoes, cheese, pickles and other side dishes. Raclette cheese is melted and then poured over the potatoes and repeated. I was informed that a perfect bite includes a bit of potatoes, cheese, pickle, and individual seasoning. They were correct, it is a tasty dish. How I found myself eating Raclette is another story and one founded in Christian community.
My dear friend Gini died two days before Christmas, just four days shy of her 96th birthday. The last days were a mix of sadness and joy as it was clear she was near the end and her body was shutting down. Thankfully she was not in pain. The important words had been said and I think that is the story of much of Gini’s life. She had a gift not only to listen but to give wise council through conversation, words of scripture, and writing. Gini was known to engage in the hard conversations. She would sometimes preface a hard conversation with knowing she might lose her friendship over saying what was on her heart but was willing to risk it. I personally believe it only made her relationships deeper. She also loved to have discussions about the arts and culture and always where faith intersects with them.
I found myself the past couple of days spending time with Gini’s friends from her years as a staff member at the L’Abri Fellowship in Switzerland. Reminiscing included snowy days, good conversations, years of correspondence, and where they and their friend’s journeys have taken them. These were glimpses of conversations that could go on for hours. There were discussions of social justice, health care, economics, science, art and aging all through a lens of faith. I was welcomed into this community over the past few days and for that I am profoundly grateful as it has helped the grieving and healing.
What I don’t want to miss is how not only this community brought me into their fold but also how I might do that for others. It can be so difficult at times feeling welcome and moving from outsider to feeling welcome and even an insider. Though I didn’t live through those “hippie” years with them (their words) they included me in the stories and provided me with the back stories. They shared with me the experiences that they had together on the hills in Switzerland telling me of more friends who would offer hospitality to me that also knew our dear Gini. They shared food, warmth, and hospitality.
There was a moment when I realized all of these individuals are single, some always and some more recently. This made the Raclette experience even more powerful. Raclette is a community eating experience the grills are designed for many to participate. I am thankful that they don’t seem to make Raclette grills for one and it seems a metaphor for how we are to live life, in community.
Raclette Explanation on YouTube and 6 Person Raclette Grill on Amazon
Great Souls at Prayer
Today my dear friend Gini is exhausted and uncomfortable she is 2 weeks away from reaching 96 and is ready to be with Jesus. She is a Great Soul. Today there was little she could focus on or receive comfort from. I read/prayed with her from “Great Souls at Prayer” a compilation of prayer by Mary W. Tileston. Her copy is well worn with personal notes and meaningful phrases underlined.
Today’s prayer:
December 12th: “Most Loving Lord, I offer my whole self unto Thee. Take, I pray Thee, into the hands of Thine unspeakable pity, both my soul and body, my senses words and actions; vouchsafe in all things so to direct and govern me, that I may ever flee every occasion of sin, and may so constantly cleave to Thee and to Thy commandments, that neither life nor death, nor anything which may befall me, may separate me from Thee – Amen” Treasury of Devotion, 1869
It’s a Wonderful Life
The work week came to a close and the to-do list for work and home over the weekend was long. Some was checked off but new items have appeared on the list. It is hard to take time to write and reflect on this stage in my life when I feel there is so much to do.
Downstairs is my dear neighbor who my mind wanders to continually. My focus is to help her finish well. She is receiving support from Hospice of the North Shore. The support and care is wonderful but when she is home the most they come is an hour a day. As I think of her it is clear that our friendship and the proximity of our apartments are not by accident.
Being single, and without kids at this time in my life, is not what I imagined, expected or planned. I don’t always handle this stage in my life with as much grace as I would like. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the work that God had in mind for me. Yet over and over again I think of the coming weeks and there is no other place I would rather be. If I was married I would not be living here (a hope for someday). If I had adopted (a hope to do someday) I would not living here. If I had foster kids (again a hope) I would not be living here. If I had bought a house again of course I would not be living here. Would I be friends with my dear neighbor? Yes I expect I would be in some way. However if many of my dreams, goals, and expectations for my life had been realized at this time I would not have the depth of friendship with my neighbor, nor the proximity. So my journey has taken a twist I never imagined and I would not have written the story another way. One of my closest friends time here is coming to an end.
I went downstairs last night and Gini was watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Jimmy Stewart would essentially be her contemporary. Though some years it seems to run continually on TV she had never watched the movie in its entirety. This weekend she watched it and it made me ponder what would the world be like without her. Who has she touched and how? How has she touched me? Gini’s depth of care and willingness to have hard conversations is amazing. Many times heartfelt words have been shared verbally and in notes. I wouldn’t be the same nor would many of the women she has taught for decades in Bible Classes nor would the students she walked alongside of in the L’Abri Fellowship in Switzerland. There would have been much less music in this world without Gini.
Don’t miss the story of It’s a Wonderful Life for yourself and for those you love this Advent season.
Giving a Last Letter
Back in April of 2011 I blogged about Writing Gini The post was a way to keep myself accountable about something I didn’t want to regret not following through with. Gini Andrews, my mentor and friend, is now 95 years old and 11 months. She has been a dear friend for 13 years and has played an integral part of my faith journey. Her life here on earth has been winding down with the support of a group of friends, friendship which is measured in decades rather than years. I am humbled that in a small way I am part of this group that is part of loving her into eternity. I have been thinking of this a lot for the past months. How do I express to her how much she means to me? How for my own process, journey, and eventual healing do I feel I have no regrets and enough been said? Though both of us have been generous with words I chose to write a letter. Yet for many months I didn’t feel the pressure of it. She seemed relatively healthy and I only wrote a bit. However in August there was a diagnosis of cancer and decision for hospice rather than treatment. The pressure moved to writing the letter and my desire to get it “perfect.” How I hate the part of my personality that puts pressure on myself to both overachieve and do things “perfectly.” So I worked on the letter in fits and starts. It was exhausting to write and to edit. Writing each section brought tears as did each edit. Yet finally I finished and it found its way downstairs and into her hands this week.
Having completed writing a letter of gratitude and thanks I leave you with some suggestions when writing and sending an important letter, especially for those leaning toward Type A.
- It really is the thought that counts. As long as it is readable the receiver is not going to look at it with an editor’s eye. I have comma issues and Gini is a writer. Get over your grammar issues, finish and send it.
- Allow yourself to use the process to work through your own feelings. Allow tears to flow thinking about saying goodbye whether goodbye is in months or years. Allow tears to flow about expressing things that someday you will not be able to. Assume you will not be able to easily identify all the emotions the process stirs up.
- Express what you have learned from that person. We all want to know how our lives impact others and wonder if/how we will be missed.
- Most relationships include humor and if you are able include this aspect of your relationship.
- Consistent with your own beliefs, share your own source of peace, or if you share similar beliefs/faith this could be the most central source of comfort and strength you share with the person.
- Get it done, put it on your list, and prioritize it with enough time to allow the emotional process of it.
Other posts referencing Gini and the gift of her friendship: A Childless Mother’s Day
Embracing a Space
Hospice is an agency that excels in helping individuals and their loved ones make end of life decisions with dignity and grace. Hospice of the North Shore
Artistic Dabbling’s
I’m a bit Type A, I admit it openly. I desire to be creative however any artwork I attempt to create seems more like geometric figures and tends toward symmetry. In my world this does not equate to anything artistic. However I should note my mother likes geometric shapes and symmetry but she makes it work for her as she uses color and creates artistic quilts. However back to the typical life I lead which includes minimal output of artistic work. However this past week, with a Groupon in hand, I dabbled in producing some artwork.
My friend Tracy and I signed up for a one night class at The Paint Bar. It’s a class in which all the materials are provided and everyone paints the same picture, guided by an enthusiastic instructor. The instructor teased us “Type A’s” and perfectionists in the room. She asked us to take a deep breath and set that part of our personality aside for the night. So I did, mostly. We were guided through the colors and brushes to use and the general area to make each stroke. Our masterpiece would be named “Funky Boston Skyline.” The Prudential was placed, the John Hancock Tower, the weather tower, the Citgo sign, brownstone houses, trees, and of course the Charles River.
As I looked around the room everyone’s painting was similar yet we all created our own personal masterpieces. Tracy and I could not stop smiling. We actually had in our hands, by the end of this short class, pieces of art that we couldn’t just hang up but were excited to hang up. We left looking forward to another artistic adventure at this place. Taking an art class was on my 40 for 40 list. The goal was to dabble with my artistic and creative abilities. Now I look at my new art on the wall at work and smile when it is noticed and then glow when they learn I painted it. I don’t share that I painted it only because I’m a bit proud of my accomplishment (though I am) but I want everyone to try. I want other people to feel that they also can be artists with some guidance. I don’t want anyone to miss out on some artistic dabbling’s, even type A’s.
5,000,000,000 to 7,000,000,000 Neighbors
When I was in Junior High my sister and her boyfriend brought me on a trip to Boston. She was a music major and felt the need to get to a good music store. As this was pre-internet days there was not a music store at her fingertips. She convinced my parents she needed to drive to Boston. Looking back I think maybe I was supposed to be the chaperone for her and her boyfriend, however the other option is my mom wanted a day minus me. I think maybe there had been a grounding involved that she let up on for the benefit of both of us.
My sister was always good at bringing me on adventures. One of the highlights of that day was to go to the Museum of Science. We saw a science show, a display of the very dirty Boston Harbor (which now is surprisingly cleanish), and learned a tremendous amount of information about electricity, gravity, biology, etc. I remember clearly a digital display that indicated the population of the world. It was nearing 5 Billion people and I remember hypothesizing when it would happen. It occurred in 1987 to be exact. 5 Billion, a number too large to comprehend. To this day I can’t fathom it and now I can’t imagine 7 Billion, the number the population is estimated to have reached this week. I think of the space and where everyone fits. I get grumpy about the small space I live in and realize entire families live in what I consider my living/dining room. It helps me keep it in perspective, sometimes. However I do get overwhelmed in this global world and wonder who my neighbors are, beyond the ones I can holler to on my street. In this more connected world with internet and ability to reach out in new ways do I have more responsibility?
5 Billion, do you remember where you were when the population hit this milestone in 1987 and does it feel different now 24 years later with 7 Billion on this planet? There are 2 more billion people who reside on this world.
Charity Water Birthday
In September I turned 40. For my birthday it was easy to acknowledge that I don’t need or want for anything materially. Yet, I’ll be honest, I do like gifts. I enjoy it when someone chooses a personal gift for me. It is not about the size or cost of the gift but really the thought. A collectible item found at a yard sale, a picture, book, recipe, a new piece of sports equipment, etc., I love them all. Yet again there was nothing I needed or wanted so I thought why not ask friends and family to give to an organization that is on the front lines of working to solve the water crisis in the world. Having travelled to places in the world where clean water is an issue this seemed right. It’s always bothered me on trips that I drink clean water because I can afford it while others go without. So I raised funds toward clean water through Charity Water.
What happened was that each time my email alerted me to a new donation there was incredible joy. What I found that friends and family far and wide joined in celebrating my birthday in a different way, in a way that was deeply personal to me. Each donation was as precious as a collectible item, a picture, book, personal recipe or piece of sports equipment. Each made me smile when I thought of both the good that the donation would make to help bring clean water, but also the relationship I had with that person. What especially touched me was that a few of the young woman I have had the pleasure of knowing in their high school years through church joined in helping me celebrating my 40th. As young leaders they understand this water crisis and want to do something about it. Thank You Charity Water for your birthday present to me!
Good music can move me from Jogging to Running regardless of speed
I’m not really a runner. I’m a sometimes jogger. However there have been few moments where everything “clicked” and my jogging turned to running mentally and it felt wonderful. Good music has helped me move from jogging to running. I’m always looking for just the right mix. Here is the most recent “Running Energy” as labeled on my itouch.
The Mary Tyler Moore Theme Song (I turned 40 this year, this song is a great start to my run that’s under 2 minutes).
When I Grow Up by The Pussycat Dolls (fun and energizing)
Mean by Taylor Swift (which makes me want to be strong for all those young women out there I know)
Waka Waka by Shakira (fun but reminds me that the world is so very big and that I really do love soccer)
On the Floor by Jennifer Lopez (makes me think of running as dancing)
The Great Awakening by Leeland (thinking about how our actions can be contagious)
On My Own by Ashes Remain (focuses on unleashing the stress of the day)
We Could Change the World by Matt Redman (pushes me to dream about what can be)
We are the Free by Matt Redman (such a great beat with worship at its core)
Like a Lion by the David Crowder Band on the Passion Awakening Album (I love the imagery of this song)
Chase that (Ambition) by Lecrae (this makes me smile every time as I heard Lecrae at the Catalyst Conference and immediately downloaded rap)
God is Enough by Lecrae (If I’m listening to this I’ve made it pretty far in my jog/run and always can pick up the pace with this song).
Search My Heart by Hillsong United (this helps me refocus as I’m winding down if the ipod is still on)
I’d welcome any feedback and suggestions for future additions.
